Your 12/13 Year Old Child

Your twelve year old is likely going through a period of rapid physical growth and development. It is a time when your child will begin separating from you and challenging your authority. You will notice frequent mood swings and increased concern with whether his or her developing body is normal.

Caring for Your Child

Continue to promote healthy eating habits and regular exercise with your child. Encourage safety practices such as wearing a seatbelt when riding in a car and a helmet while bike riding or roller blading.

Discussion about drugs, alcohol and tobacco use is equally important. Encourage an open dialogue about these topics and answer any questions your child has. In addition, as the teenage years loom ahead, spend time talking about peer pressure, sex and sexually transmitted diseases, and the importance of abstinence.

The most important thing you can do as a parent is spend active time with your child daily. Continue to talk to him or her about daily activities, friends, interests, school work, etc. Advise your child to not accept rides from strangers, and be aware of behaviors resulting in poor grades, failure to complete homework, truancy, and challenges to parental authority. Other concerns to watch for include eating disorders, progression of puberty, lack of friends, depression, sexual activity and use of drugs, alcohol or tobacco. Know who your child’s friends are and be aware of their activities.

As we see your child throughout his or her teenage years, we are available for advise or treatment of acne, instruction on proper use of tampons and how to begin breast and testicular self examinations. If you suspect that your child has had any sexual activity, please let us know.

Your Next Appointment

Your child’s next physical will be at 14 years of age, or 13 years of age if a physical is required for sports, camping, or other activities. If your child has a chronic medical condition such as asthma, allergies or scoliosis, we will advise you on the timing of your next visit.

Adolescence: Dealing with Normal Rebellion

Definition
The main task of adolescents in our culture is to become psychologically emancipated from their parents. The teenager must cast aside the dependent relationship of childhood. Before he or she can develop a new adult relationship with his or her parents, the adolescent must first distance him or herself from the way he or she related to them in the past. This process is characterized by a certain amount of intermittent normal rebellion, defiance, discontent, turmoil, restlessness, and ambivalence. Emotions usually run high. Mood swings are common. Under the best of circumstances, this adolescent rebellion continues for approximately 2 years; not uncommonly it lasts for 4 to 6 years.

Dealing with Normal Adolescent Rebellion
The following guidelines may help you and your teenager through this difficult period.

Treat your teenager as an adult friend. By the time your child is 12 years old, start working on developing the kind of relationship you would like to have with your child when he or she is an adult. Treat your child the way you would like him or her to treat you when he or she is an adult. Your goal is mutual respect, support, and the ability to have fun together. Strive for relaxed, casual conversations during bicycling, hiking, shopping, playing catch, driving, cooking, working, and especially at mealtimes. Use praise and trust to help build his or her self-esteem. Recognize and validate your child’s feelings by listening carefully and making nonjudgmental comments. Remember that listening doesn’t mean you have to solve your teen’s problems. The friendship model is the best basis for family functioning.
Avoid criticism about “no-win” topics. Most negative parent-adolescent relationships develop because the parents criticize their teenager too much. Much of the teen’s objectionable behavior merely reflects conformity with the current tastes of his or her peer group. Peer-group immersion is one of the essential stages of adolescent development. Dressing, talking, and acting differently than adults help your child to feel independent from you.
Try to avoid any criticism of your child’s clothing, hairstyle, makeup, music, dance steps, and friends, unless they’re in trouble with the law. Avoid criticism of recreational interests, room decorations, use of free time, career choices, use of money, speech, posture, religion and philosophy. Allowing your teen to rebel in these minor areas often prevents testing in major areas, such as experimentation with drugs, truancy, or stealing. Intervene and try to make a change only if your teenager’s behavior is harmful or infringes on your rights (see section on house rules). Another common error is to criticize your teen’s mood or attitude. A negative or lazy attitude can be changed only through good example and praise. The more you talk about these nontraditional behaviors, the longer they will last.
Let society’s rules and consequences teach responsibility outside the home. Your teenager must learn from trial and error. As he or she experiments he or she will learn to take responsibility for his or her decisions and actions. The parent should speak up only if the adolescent is going to do something dangerous or illegal. Otherwise, the parent must rely on the teen’s own self-discipline, pressure from his or her peers to behave responsibly, and the lessons learned from the consequences of his or her actions.
City curfew laws will help control late hours. A school’s requirement for punctual school attendance will influence when your teen goes to bed at night. If he or she has trouble getting up in the morning, buy him or her an alarm clock. School grades will usually hold your teenager accountable for homework and other aspects of school performance. (It’s not your job to check the homework.) If your teen has bad work habits, he or she will lose his or her job. If your teenager makes a poor choice of friends, he or she may find his or her confidences broken or that he or she gets into trouble. If he or she doesn’t practice hard for a sport, he or she will be pressured by the team and coach to do better. If he or she misspends his or her allowance or earnings, he or she will run out of money before the end of the month. If his or her mood or attitude is negative, he or she will lose friends.
If your teenager asks you for advice about outside activities, try to describe the pros and cons in a brief, impartial way. Ask some questions to help him or her think about the main risks. Then wrap up your remarks with a comment such as, “Do what you think is best”. Teenagers need plenty of opportunities to learn from their own mistakes before they leave home and have to solve problems without an ever-present support system.
Clarify the house rules and consequences. You have the right and the responsibility to make rules regarding your house and other possessions. Written rules cut down on misunderstandings. A teenager’s preferences can be tolerated within his or her own room but they need not be imposed on the rest of the house. You can forbid loud music or incoming telephone calls after 10 PM that interfere with other people’s concentration or sleep. You can forbid a television set in his or her room. You should clarify the ground rules about parties or where snacks can be eaten. Your teen can be placed in charge of cleaning his or her room and washing and ironing his or her clothes. You can insist on clean clothes and enough showers to prevent or overcome body odor. You must decide whether you will loan him or her your car, bicycle, camera, radio, television, clothes, and other possessions.
Reasonable consequences for breaking house rules include loss of telephone, television, and stereo.

Instructions for Pediatric Patients, 2nd edition, 1999 by WB Saunders Company. Written by Barton Schmitt, M.D., pediatrician.

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